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WORLD CUP FEVER: Economy and ‘Black Market’ booms as England goes on the biggest Sesh since records began

England fans celebrate as England's defender Harry Maguire scores the opening goal as they watch the Russia 2018 World Cup quarter-final football match between Sweden and England on a big screen in London on July 7, 2018. / AFP PHOTO / Tolga AKMENTOLGA AKMEN/AFP/Getty Images

A MAN from Bolton, England has revealed that Britain’s economy is booming thanks to England after the English continued the biggest sesh since records began, and as usual, the English are propping up Wales, Scotland and Nothern Ireland. 

Chris Paxford wrote on Social Media “I can’t wait till we’ve won the World Cup then everything goes back to normality, the whole country’s on a massive session, even the bosses are ringing in work with the excuse ‘it’s coming home’.

“Pubs are raking it in, drug dealers will all be in the Maldives after the World Cup absolutely minted because the whole country has been shovelling tons of shit up there hooter for the last three weeks.”

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Chris also claimed sales of DNA test kits will rocket in nine months time, as there will be a huge increase in births.

“I don’t even want to imagine how many kids will be born with 10 eyes and 3 arms in Wigan next year because as we all know incest is common in them parts of the world and I can only imagine how many lads have been shagging their own mums in Orrell and welly through sheer excitement,” said Chris.

He also believes that STD clinics across Britain will be ‘rammed’ because everybody’s been shagging each other and contracted warts and chlamydia.

Chris isn’t worried about the massive party though, he said: “Pram companies will be thriving, SMA won’t be able to generate enough powdered milk to feed all the ‘World Cup babies’, women will be breastfeeding all over the place and the name Harry will be the most common name in England by may next year I guarantee it.”

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According to Chris, local Bolton strip joint ‘Illusions’ has also benefited from the World Cup, and he claimed it is open 24 hours a day to service all the fat ugly lads who can’t get a hard-on due to excessive cocaine use.

He summed up the absolute scenes in England. “We’re in uproar, the streets are rammed with smiles and a sense that we can actually do something we’ve threatened to do for a very long time and for once the Three Lions are doing us all proud, this is our year – revel in this moment England.”

Chris also praised England manager Gareth Southgate: “He spunked a penalty in Euro 96 and everyone wanted to set him on fire but 22 years on and I’d deepthroat the cunt, times have changed and the team have evolved.”

“Imagine saying to your grandchildren ‘one summer when the heat was baking us all on a daily basis the boys went to Russia and brought football home’ “

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